cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
