Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
