I wannas sexs uuuuu
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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