Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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