I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I touched a dick in church today
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
