My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
