She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
