If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
