You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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