What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
