We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
