She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
