Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
bring money and cleavage
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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