Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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