I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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