I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
