He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
