i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
