Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
