this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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