I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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