Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
