You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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