her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
