I feel like abortions should bother me more
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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