The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
