remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
