So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
