I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
