we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
