I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The air taste purple.
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