I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
so let's talk penis.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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