On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
