Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
