well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
