I wanna bring you to show and tell
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
