I wannas sexs uuuuu
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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