I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
