And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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