I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she told me i tasted like america
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
