So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
