When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
