My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
