I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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