im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
