This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
