I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
