I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
