Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
