he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
