last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
